Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
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[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)