“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
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Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE