I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee