A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
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Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
What
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.