[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I have never related to anyone more.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa