I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
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5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
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A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End