Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Ain’t no way
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.