If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
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I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
#Caturday
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb