[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
You Might Also Like
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this