A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
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I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
ouch
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
live, laugh, laundry.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Salad is the decaf of food.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
How to properly lift a body
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.