Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
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her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
You learn something every day
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…