date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
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emergency phone
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.