Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
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Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
*frowns in Scottish*
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share