I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Breaking news:
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Why am I like this?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.