Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
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Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My new favorite headline
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.