Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
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Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.