the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Goat cheese is for herders.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’