I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
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DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.