Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
That’s fair
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Warm pools make me nervous.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.