I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
#inspiration #foodforthought
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.