“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
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I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?