*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
The news is so predictable nowadays
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.