Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
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Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Just how popey was the pope today?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Mistakes were made
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm