“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
This raises questions
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
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babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.