[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
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My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
hi why am I like this
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.