Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
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Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
there’s probably a fee though
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I thought this was funny lol
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Candles never taste the way they smell
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.