You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
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watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Simple
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”