my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
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Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.