I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
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i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.