HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
This makes total sense…
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs