Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
You Might Also Like
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
❤️🦆
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me