Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
You Might Also Like
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
definitely did not do anything wrong
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?