Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
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ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Me trying to “trust the process”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.