No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
You Might Also Like
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
so this horse walks into a bar
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.