‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
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Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us