I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
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Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
They also CAN sing✌️
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.