I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
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Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help