Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.