My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
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He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)