GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Dolls on drugs
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy