Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.