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“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law