frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
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I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!