“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?