Oh we’ve met.
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Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”