It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
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*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.