Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.