Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
You Might Also Like
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Twitter is an abusement park.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.