All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
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I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
me linking you to my twitter
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS