my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
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Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.